That Ivory Tower In My Castle In The Air

I know I raved pompously about my Bandra-Western abode in the The Roof Over My Head and The Chip On My Shoulder, but alas- I am being forced out from cloud nine to fall flat on planet Earth. While the spirit of Bandra has pleasantly haunted my house all this while, the UK based landlord is back from the dead with his anti-climax entry. The man is returning for good and hence my arse is getting the royal boot.

“Big deal” I thought at first, “My already inflated ego has gotten too big for this prime real estate anyway. I deserve better.” doesn’t think so though. Inspite of filtering search results to a snooty, uptight, creamy layer of preferences- the results mock that very belief. There is no way I’m going to pay through the nose for some gaudy, tacky looking shanty – no matter how “fully furnished” it is. I’d rather jump off a cliff than live like a rat in a pigeon hole, you hear? All the brokers in the area were given that very order and yet they all showed me the lousiest of caves. I raised my bid by a full 5 grand, but all that got me was a free, albeit used sofa-cum-bed with a smelly mattress. Gee thanks! My patience is going, going, gone…

The fact that I come home to an empty studio apartment everyday and find no shoulder to cry on gave me an epiphany- look for a 2 bhk with a flatmate to split the rent with! Bandra is full of jazzy looking 2bhks in the 50-60k range. I bagged a friend indeed who was in need of a house with similar sized wallets to empty. But unfortunately, we soon learnt that the most important factor in real estate is not location, it is Luck, Luck, Luck… Of which I have none. All the good pads are taken and I’m left with nothing but the reject pile.

At a time when my newly wedded girlfriends are settling down with their husbands and decorating cozy houses, comfortably landed by the benefits of a joint EMI on their housing loan- I’m quite at the other end of the spectrum huh!? Maybe sharing a house with another person, regardless of whether it is a friend or stranger is the way to go? At least then there will be someone to talk to. After all, who has use for a single, miserable, independent, once-upon-a-time bestie, when you got a new, committed man to cuddle and a more mature crowd to go on group dates with? All I’m left with is a leaky kitchen sink, a bunch of spray resistant cockroaches, a fridge overflowing with last week’s left overs, paint peeling off the walls, a floor that hasn’t been cleaned in 2 weeks and an unopened bottle of wine way past its expiry date. It’s just me and my quarter life crisis in the house! Whoop whoop!

My perpetual slouch these days from the constant stress of impending homelessness is starting a severe back pain. I should quit sulking then, especially when according to my personal astrologist-, apparently I’m just getting warmed up. It says that Saturn is in the retrograde and gearing up to enter my seven years of bad luck phase.

If this is indeed the preview to what’s in store for the next 5 years preceding my dive into the 30s- the ride downhill can at least be a jolly one right? #FakeHappiness is the new mantra and I’m going to plaster a forced smile in the face of such trying times. The 20s are for a girl to figure out how to live with class no matter how badly Life cramps her style. Living on a budget is tough and you have to earn certain comforts. Starting today there are some serious cut backs happening in my lifestyle. I live particularly frugally in any case- but even the occasional luxuries I indulge in will be taking a long vacation. Instead of those spa appointments, my kid sis can karate chop my back and legs when I visit home every other weekend. Take frequent cold showers to reduce the abuse of the air conditioning. Rummage through all that bourgeoisie bargain-able loot on Hill Road, rather than twirl around in a high end designer dress at Forever 21. Stop paying for bottled water and drink right from the tap. Relinquish my feminist dating habits and let the guy foot the entire bill.

I’m ready to do all this and more just to pinch a few pennies, but Friends, Landlords, Bombayites- the place I ultimately crash at cannot and will not suffer any compromises. So, clearing my throat, one last time I say to you:

I am looking for a single occupancy, furnished studio apartment in Bandra West for a monthly rent of Rs. 27000, without brokerage, ready to move in by first week of July.

My head may no longer be in the clouds, but my nose sure is and always will be up in the air!